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The Afternoon Herald

Deeply serious coverage of things that probably did not happen, times being what they are

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Satire · Life

Village Wedding Pauses Vows So Guests Can Film Their Own Reactions

The registrar agreed to hold each sentence until the reaction coordinator confirmed the congregation had reached the correct expression.

Afternoon Edition

A wedding in the village of Marsh Hollow stopped twice during the exchange of vows on Saturday while guests adjusted their camera angles.

The couple, Mr Tobias Grell and Ms Fenella Wax, had requested the pauses after their photographer, Mr Dell Ashcombe, was replaced three weeks before the ceremony by a reaction coordinator, Ms Prue Larmouth, whose job is to indicate to the congregation which moments should be moved by which amounts.

"Traditionally the photographer captures the couple," said Ms Larmouth, who trained in audience management at a corporate events firm. "But the couple are the one part of a wedding nobody can film inventively. Everyone has already got them. The reactions are the content now."

The pause

The vows were delivered in eleven segments. After each segment, the registrar, Mrs Odette Pyle, held her clipboard still and looked to the back pew while Ms Larmouth raised a card bearing a number between one and five. A one indicated mild warmth. A five indicated that guests should be visibly overcome and were permitted to touch the shoulder of the person next to them.

Guests who had not brought a second person to film them were seated near the font, where a retired florist, Mr Wendell Crake, filmed them in rotation for a fee.

"The bride's entrance was a four," said one guest, who asked to be described only as the woman in the green hat. "I did a four. The kiss was meant to be a five but the light was behind the groom, so we did it again."

The couple themselves were not filmed by anyone. Guests explained that a shot of a couple kissing is not usable without a reaction underneath it, whereas a reaction can be posted alone with the caption "moments like this".

The coordinator's report

Ms Larmouth said the ceremony had gone well, apart from the second reading, which she rated a two and which several guests over-performed, forcing her to walk the aisle with a lowering gesture.

"You have to manage the aisle like a conductor," she said. "If everyone peaks at the hymn, there is nowhere to go at the rings. I told them: save something."

The couple declined to comment, as their content calendar is scheduled a fortnight in advance and the wedding is due to be posted on Thursday between a brunch and a decluttering haul.

The village church has now received two further bookings for next spring, both of which have asked whether Ms Larmouth is available. She is. Her rate card describes the emotional arc of a wedding as her intellectual property.