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The Afternoon Herald

Deeply serious coverage of things that probably did not happen, times being what they are

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Satire · Life

Village Station Holds Train Until Platform Goodbyes Filmed From All Angles

The guard now carries a clapperboard, and passengers whose waving tested poorly are invited back onto the platform for a second take.

Afternoon Edition

The 7:42 from Lower Bramblewick has begun departing when the farewells on the platform are judged complete, a policy adopted after the station's manager concluded that unfilmed goodbyes were, in his words, "wasted goodbyes".

On Saturday the train sat at the platform while a woman seeing her son off to university was repositioned three times, once for a low angle from beneath the footbridge and once because a passing seagull entered the frame.

The protocol

Station staff now announce the filming window alongside the boarding call. Passengers embracing on the platform are asked to hold the embrace until a conductor confirms it has been captured by at least two devices, one of which must be held by somebody other than the hugging parties.

Mr Denys Craddock, the station's manager, said the policy responded to passenger demand. "People were sprinting for the train with tears streaming, and the tears were going absolutely nowhere," he said. "No thumbnail. No caption. Nothing. We are simply giving the modern traveller what the moment deserves."

A passenger who gave her name as Mrs Ovelia Trant said she had missed two connections while a stranger finished a piece to camera about how much he would miss his mother, who was standing beside him and holding the phone.

"He did four takes," she said. "The third one he cried a bit too theatrically and started again."

The second take

Under the revised timetable, the train will not leave until every goodbye on the platform has been reviewed. Conductors carry laminated cards listing the required coverage: a wide establishing shot of the hugging, a close-up of the faces, and at least one slow pan along the carriage windows.

Waving is scored on feeling. Passengers judged to have waved with insufficient emotion are asked to step back from the train and repeat the wave. On Monday a retired dentist was made to wave goodbye to his daughter four times. He was still waving after she had stopped being visible, at the request of a teenager who needed the shot for a montage.

Mr Craddock said the station was considering a feedback screen on which departing loved ones could rate each other's performances. He denied the scheme would make journeys longer.

"Goodbyes already take as long as they take," he said. "We are just making sure somebody is watching them."

The 7:42 now arrives at its destination after the connection it was once timed to meet, and the connecting service has begun holding for passengers who are still finishing their farewells in the arrivals hall, which a member of staff films from the stairs.