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The Afternoon Herald

Deeply serious coverage of things that probably did not happen, times being what they are

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Satire · Life

Village Fête Retires Preserve Stall After Judges' Row Draws Bigger Crowd Than Jam

The organising committee now asks entrants to make their preserves more arguable, and has asked both judges to return next year.

Afternoon Edition

The organising committee of the Marsh Hollow summer fête has voted to retire its long-standing produce and preserves stall, after footage of two judges disagreeing about a jar of damson reached an audience the jam itself never approached.

The stall, which had occupied the same trestle table near the tombola since the fête began, will be replaced next year by a roped-off judging area with hay bales for seating. The preserves will still be made and opened. They will simply no longer be for sale, or, in the committee's words, "the point".

The footage

The dispute began when Mrs Enid Latter, one of two preserve judges, awarded a first to a runner-bean chutney submitted by the vicar. Mr Douglas Penn, the other judge, held that the chutney was "a relish at best", and the two were still arguing when a committee member began filming on a phone propped against a crate of runner beans.

The footage was posted that evening with the caption "it got heated". Mrs Latter has since been recognised at the post office. Mr Penn has been recognised at the garden centre, where he was asked whether the beans were, as he maintained in the video, "a stretch".

The committee's review of the fête found that more people watched the argument remotely than attended the fête in person, and that several visitors who came to the stall did so to stand where the argument had happened.

The new rules

In a letter to entrants, the committee has asked that next year's preserves be made "with a position in mind". Suggested entries include a marmalade with an unusually thick or thin cut, a chutney submitted in the wrong category, and any preserve "capable of being defended in follow-up questions".

Entrants are also invited to indicate whether they would be willing to be filmed disagreeing with the judges, though the committee notes that this is voluntary and that the judges can be relied upon to disagree with each other unassisted.

Mrs Latter and Mr Penn have both accepted invitations to judge again. Mrs Latter said she was delighted. Mr Penn said that runner beans were still, in his view, a stretch, and that he would be saying so.

The committee considered whether the tombola or the welly-throwing might also yield footage, but concluded that disagreement was confined to the preserves. The tombola will continue as before. The jam will be given away.