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Deeply serious coverage of things that probably did not happen, times being what they are

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Village Choir Now Requires Members To Film Their Own Funerals In Advance

The choir says pre-recorded eulogies and weeping are drawing larger online audiences than the village fete, which has asked to be buried too.

Afternoon Edition

The Marrowvale Choral Society has voted to require every member to perform their own funeral in advance, so that finished footage is available on the day. Members read their eulogies, select their own hymns and are filmed weeping at the front of the church while still alive.

The footage is then edited, captioned and held in a folder until needed. The choir's channel manager, Mrs Doreen Skellow, said the scheme was born of practical necessity.

"We kept losing footage," she said. "Someone dies, and you're filming a hundred mourners in a dim church with one phone. The sound is terrible, nobody knows their lines, and by the time you've edited it the algorithm has moved on. This way we control the lighting."

The performance

Under the new rules, each member chooses a service date while in good health. They deliver their own tribute to camera, describe their grief to an imagined congregation, and record three reactions to their own death for use in different moods. A second take is permitted if the member survives the first.

The choir's bass section, which numbers four, has completed its performances. One member, Mr Colin Peake, gave a eulogy describing himself as "a devoted husband, a loyal friend and, latterly, a soprano". He then filmed himself being comforted by an empty chair.

"I found it very moving," said Mr Peake, who is in his sixties and expects to die at some point. "I cried at my own funeral, which is more than I did at my mother's."

The response

Neighbouring choirs have begun following Marrowvale's model. The nearby Habberton Singers announced this week that members will perform not only their funerals but their weddings, retirements and one surprise party each, to be released as needed.

The scheme has raised concerns within the village. The vicar, the Rev Alwyn Trudge, said he had officiated at a service where the congregation watched the deceased deliver a flawless eulogy on a screen while the coffin sat unwatched beside it.

"The family asked if we could hold the applause until the end of the video," he said. "There is no end of the video. It runs over the burial."

Mrs Skellow said the choir would review the policy after the next funeral, which is scheduled for a member who has since changed her mind and left the choir. Her footage will be posted anyway.