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The Afternoon Herald

Deeply serious coverage of things that did not happen

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Satire · business

Company Confirms It Is, At Heart, A People

The statement arrived nine minutes after the layoffs and described the remaining staff as the organisation's most valuable asset, twice.

The Afternoon Herald
BEFORE THE STATEMENTAFTER THE STATEMENTSTILL AN ASSET
Plate II · The most valuable asset, before and after the statement. Each figure stands for one member of staff. Schematic, not measured.

The company released a statement this morning confirming that it is, at heart, a people.

"We have always believed that our people are our greatest asset," the statement read, in a document that had earlier in the same paragraph described a restructuring of the people. It went on to thank the departing people for their contributions to the people.

Analysts described the statement as "consistent with previous statements", noting that the company had said something extremely similar in March, and again in the March before that.

What the statement said

The statement said the company was excited. It said the road ahead was challenging but the opportunity was significant. It used the word journey once, near the end, where it could not be avoided.

It did not say how many people.

What the people said

The people, reached for comment, said they had found out from the statement.

One person, who asked to remain a person, said the phrase "most valuable asset" had appeared twice and that they had counted. Another said they had been included in a calendar invitation titled Quick Sync and had known immediately.

A third said the coffee had got worse in August and that, looking back, this had been the tell.

The road ahead

The company confirmed it remains committed to its people, and declined to specify which ones.

Every quantity drawn above states a relation, not a measurement. This paper does not invent numbers to fill a chart.